Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
