she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
