my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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