Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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