I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
