You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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