Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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