Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
