I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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