a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.