We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.