You're completely useless in the revolution.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.