actually, I'm a sock model
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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