I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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