Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
