I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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