I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
