Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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