look no pants
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Small penises have feelings too.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
