i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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