Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
