i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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