He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
