Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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