Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
