spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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