Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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