3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
