well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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