I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
