I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
