the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
