The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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