Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
