Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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