I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
