3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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