We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
