So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
