Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Of course I have a pirate flag
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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