i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
