If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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