Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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