Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
