dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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