I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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