So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
