fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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