you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
