So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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