i wish my penis had a tongue
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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