maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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