So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
