i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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