I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
