you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
