What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
