how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
